To Talk a Lot and Not Say Much: How to Not Answer Any Questions

    Have you ever been put in a position where somebody asks you a question you do not want to answer? Did you wish that somehow, some way, you could pretend to answer their question without actually answering it? Well, what if I told you that is not only possible but quite simple? In this entry of “Inside the Head of Noah”, I will teach you a few techniques you can use in every single conversation to avoid answering those questions that you don't want to answer. 

    The first trick that I have is one that I call “Bridging”. It's one of the most basic and effective methods of not giving a straight answer to a question. It's quite simple. From the original question, you build a bridge to a completely different topic (one that you want to talk about). That sounds like it comes directly from a textbook and means almost nothing. I'll give an example. Let's say somebody asks you, “What are your plans for this weekend” and for some reason, you don't want to answer that question. Using the tactic I just presented, you could say, “Speaking of plans for the weekend, did you hear about what Melanie [random person I just invented] did last weekend?”. You see how I transitioned from the theme (which was my plans for the weekend) to a different subject that I'd rather talk about (in this case what Melanie did last weekend). I'll give another example that's a bit more tricky. Imagine you are sitting with your best friend, and they ask you why you broke up with Julia (another random person I invented for the sake of the example). You don't want to tell your best friend that you didn't dump Julia, Julia dumped you because you slept with her best friend, Ana (again, not a real person. None of the people in this article are real). You could say, “Julia and I had a deep and loving relationship. However, I must move on from the past and concentrate on what lies ahead. […]”. Do you see what I did there? I started by vaguely mentioning my relationship with Julia. Then I transitioned to a topic that I want to talk about, in this case, future relationships. I'll give one last example. Let's say somebody asks you, “Do you have any regrets about how you lived your life?”. That is a question very few people want to answer, because, you know, that's private. You could say, “You speak of regrets and tragedies, but I have done many things throughout my life that I am extremely proud of, like […]”. Again, I did the same thing as I did in every other example of this technique. I started by vaguely mentioning the subject of the question (in this case, my regrets). Then I changed the subject to the good stuff I did during my life, which wasn't what I was asked about, but is what I want to talk about; what you wish you were asked about. Every time you use this technique, your end goal should always be to talk about what you wish you were asked about; never what an equally negative subject. Now that I covered “Bridging”, let's move on to the next tactic: being combative.

    This next tactic is one used by people who like to fight. I call it “Being an Ass-Hole”. This technique is also quite simple, but it's a little more risky in my opinion, because usually, when you are being combative, it means you have something to hide. It consists of attacking the person asking you the unpleasant question or your “opponent” (well, somebody you don't like or somebody you can easily shift the questions to). As for the previous technique, I'll give some examples. Let's say somebody asks you, “Why didn't you get accepted into Harvard?”, you could respond by saying, “What about Sophia? She also didn't get accepted into Harvard, and I don't see you asking her that same question. Why is that?”. Do you see what I did? Instead of answering the question, I attacked the person asking me the question for not asking Sophia the same questions. I'm suggesting he is biased against me, which is an attack on his credibility. I am also indirectly attacking Sophia by kinda throwing her under the bus so I can avoid answering the question. Here is another example. Let's say somebody asks you, “Would you ever cheat to get ahead in life?”, you could respond by saying, “Where were you when Alexandra cheated on her sprinting exam? While she was cheating; bringing her grade up, I accepted that I got a bad grade, and yet you are asking me whether I would cheat or not. Where were you when that happened? WHERE?”. Again, I am not answering the question. Instead of answering the question that is being asked, I am accusing the person questioning me of being biased against me because he isn't asking Alexandra, who is a proven cheater if she would cheat. I'm suggesting that he is accusing me of being a cheat, even if he isn't. To summarize this technique, I think it's way more risky because instead of just changing the subject like with the first technique, you are attacking the person asking you the question, which could easily go wrong. With that covered, let's move on to the next strategy.

    This next strategy doesn't have a real name. I was doing some quick research for this entry and on this website called Shane Show, they call it “The Conword”. It's called that because it's used a lot by Kellyanne Conway, former counsellor to Trump while he was president. She did a lot of TV interviews using this technique. A journalist would ask her a question, and then she'd concentrate on just one word from the question to make it sound like she answered the question, but in reality, she didn't. Here is my first example. Let's say somebody asks me, “Why don’t you visit your parents more often? Are you avoiding them?” Using this technique, you could say, “The thing we should avoid is letting people walk all over us just because we are afraid of a confrontation […]”. I admit that is a bit obvious, but the technique is still being used. I'm zeroing in on one word from the original question (avoid) and then I'm building off of that. I'll try another question. Let's try this one, “Why don’t you have any hobbies? Do you not find anything enjoyable?”. I would answer by saying, “Well, I believe it's important for people to have hobbies and have things that they find enjoyable. But it's essential to remember that your life doesn't revolve around those things. And that's what I think many people don't get. Life isn't just about having fun […]”. This one I think I dodged better. I concentrated on one word from the original question (hobby and enjoyable) but talked about something completely different. When you read it, it's obvious I'm not answering the question. But when you are talking, it's easier to cover up the fact you aren't answering the question. This next trick is, in my opinion, one of the more amusing ones (for the dodger), but also one of the most frustrating ones (for the audience). I call it “The Bullshit Tsunami”.

    “The Bullshit Tsunami” is quite direct. Somebody asks you a question, but instead of answering, you start rambling about a bunch of random stuff (it doesn't need to be true. You can lie your ass off), so much that the people listening to you become confused and don't quite remember what they originally asked. This technique is used most notably by Donald Trump. Let's say somebody asks me, “Why aren’t you more successful by now? What’s holding you back?”. I would answer by saying, “That's not true. Very fake, absurd, not real. I'm one of the most successful people ever to live, more successful than Neil Diamond. His songs suck. They are so bad. I met Neil Diamond. His voice sucks! Mine is very good. Better than many very famous singers. Better than Adele. You know who else I am better than. James Bond. Have you ever met James Bond? He likes his martinis shaken, not stirred. Very good dude! Likes to sleep around though. I met Bond. We were both in London, and he went up to me and said, 'Hello sir! You are very handsome!' To which I said, “I know. I am more beautiful than Harry 'Not So' Styles”. Lying Harry. SO BAD!!!! I'm a stable genius. My IQ is above the roof and, frankly, above many of the clouds. It's so big you wouldn't understand the number. Too big. Very big! […]”. Unlike the other strategies, this one isn't logical in any way whatsoever. It's a bunch of bullshit, and it only works on some people. It's designed to confuse the person who asked the question. It's meant to be absurd, because then the person asking would be lost and, if my statements are outrageous, he'd ask me about them. Using my example, this person could ask me what my problem with Harry Styles is or how on earth I met James Bond. They wouldn't be asking me about the original question, which was why am I not successful. Since this trick is pretty straightforward, I won't give another example.

    This last one is a last resort. You use it when all the other tricks don't work. You pretend you don't know. It's the famous “Ask someone else. I know nothing about this”. It's playing dumb. Since it's pretty obvious how you use it, I won't give any examples.

    I have one last note before ending this entry. If ever the person asking repeats the question because you didn't answer it, I would say that I did answer the question and that they didn't understand it because they weren't listening. I would then reuse one of the techniques to talk about whatever it is I want to talk about. If they ask again, I would then say something along the lines of, "If you don't like my answer, don't ask me that question". Usually, the person would move on by then. If they don't, just say you don't know (so the last trick I taught you). Normally, people are too polite to ask the same question twice, so you usually don't need to worry about that. They'd usually move on to something else. To close, if you master these techniques, you could dodge almost every single question you are asked. However, if you mess up, you could end up looking bad. It's at your risk!

Image source: https://www.harvardmagazine.com/2012/02/the-art-of-the-dodge, https://www.rrstar.com/story/opinion/cartoons/2007/10/07/how-much-longer-will-you/44621425007/